Wellness
- Maintaining a healthy and loving relationship
Most
of us want to fall in love, be in love
and stay in love and magically live happily
ever after… as the story goes. We
merge placing our soul in the hands of
the other expecting that the relationship
will provide all our happiness. We even
expect our partner to know exactly what,
when and how to provide this.
But
fulfilling relationships do not happen
automatically and they don't happen
when the relationship is driven by a
need rather than caring. If the relationship
is going to grow we must give it our
time and attention. We must each give
to the other and not just be focused
on what it is that we need.
But
often the relationship gets puts aside
as the daily task of life take over.
We barely have time for ourselves with
our life schedule, work schedule or
kid's schedules, let alone making time
to focus on and give to our partner.
We become distracted and tension builds
up each person feeling that his/her
needs for intimacy are not getting met.
Each partner is waiting for the other
to do something about it.
When
a long time has gone by without intimacy,
neither one wants to make the first
move toward the other. (I call this
the big stand off) Reaching out by either
person does not takeplace. I see this
so often in my psychotherapy office
with couples who have not taken responsibility
and brought to the relationship what
was needed.
What
happens then is that there is a great
deal to clean up that has been swept
under the rug. I have to work at pealing
away minor and major conflicts, disagreements,
hurts, before I can get to the core
problem which is that each person's
core need to be loved and cared for
is not getting met.
We
all recognize that we need to tune up
our cars, but we do not think of tuning
up our relationships. We
take more time with our homes, painting,
fixing, redecorating, reconstructing
etc. but we do not take the time with
our relationships.Tensions
then build up.
As
with anything we aspire to, the more
we put in the more we will get back.
Look, for example, at a plant's life.
Plants need care in order to survive
and grow. They need water, fertilizer,
light and air. If we do not give them
these essential elements they will wither
and die. Relationships are no different,
they need certain essential elements
in order for them to grow and proper
or they too may die on the vine.
Couples
need romantic time and fun together, they
need a sense of security and commitment,
and they need meaningful communication.
This will keep the spirit in the relationship
and allow each to open to the other to
the point where intimacy can occur.
Here
are some ways to achieve these essential
elements so you can maintain a healthy
and loving relationship. Integrate them
into your daily life as best you can,
but start today.
1.Developing
romantic and fun time together. Set
up your schedule to include time together.
Be realistic with the amount of time
your set aside. It is very important
to be consistent.
If
you only have one hour a week, than
do not plan a full day. Consistency
built trust and connection lays the
foundation of a healthy relationship.
Both of you need to participate in
deciding how and when to spend time
together.
2.
Developing a sense of security and
commitment. Security is assurance
we feel when we know someone is committed
to love and values us. It's a sense
that whatever conflicts or problems
we have we will be fully committed
to finding the solution and working
together in partnership.
We
show our affection in little ways
throughout the day with a phone call
from the office or a hug when our
partner returns home, or leaving a
loving note on his/her car. Giving
complements and expressing gratitude
when your partner does something for
you as simple as taking the dishes
out of the dishwasher goes a long
way.
3.
Establishing meaningful communication.
We do this by being open and honest
with who we are and what we feel.
We make request instead of demands,
we watch our tone, and listen carefully
to our partner. We share our hopes
and dreams. We do this hopefully from
a place of peace rather than a place
of fear or blame.
We
express our ideas and goals for the
relationship and our individual goals.
We help to empower each other to fulfill
our full potential and we work together
to fulfill the potential of the relationship.
Empowering means that we give encouragement
support and believe in the other,
maybe before they believe in themselves.
Changing
your relationship will take discipline,
intention and courage. Be patient with
yourself, praise yourself for all your
efforts and listen to your soul sing.
As we love others we are connecting with
our true essence and being who we really
are. If relationships are based on getting
our needs met instead of by caring they
are not likely to bring happiness.
